Sunday, 9 January 2011

Swine Flu and Sorrow

I've been ill. Rochester did indeed infect me with Swine Flu. I shan't bore you with a tedious description of the disease, but it was ghastly, and I am glad to be free of it at last. I even missed the start of the new term at school. I return to the SOHK tomorrow.

It is with a very heavy heart that I update you on the Rochester Question. But first, some background. Rochester is married (as you know). I am not sure how best to explain his marital situation. If I use the term 'open marriage' it conjures images of a cannabis-heady, kaftan and love-bead bedecked, cheese plant decorated commune where middle aged couples throw their VW camper van keys into a basket weave pot every night. If I use the term 'for the sake of the children' it sounds like Rochester is tawdry disgraced Tory MP, parading his toothy offspring for the Daily Mail after being caught bumming a rent boy on Hampstead Heath. The truth, I suppose, lies somewhere between those two options. He is married and will remain married as it allows him to actively raise his children and give him some much needed stability. His wife has accepted that 'discreet affairs' will be part of their marital landscape. Yes, it sounds tawdry and rather sad. I expect, in reality, the affairs will be on his side, not hers. That is the background to my meeting up with Rochester at Christmas.

When we discussed whether we would meet one thought did trouble me: if Rochester was indeed just looking for uncomplicated, unemotional sex then surely he would be better off chatting up a random stranger than rekindling things with me. I am not 'unemotional' about him, he broke my heart 2 years ago. He knows this. Nor is he unemotional about me (at least, I didn't think so). It did indeed all seem a little risky. But, he kept assuring me that he would not 'hurt me' again, that he wouldn't fuck with my head.

The problem is, since I saw him last I have barely heard from him. The texts that I have received have been very occasional banal, peg-sales updates. Anything I say that is remotely warm, tender or heartfelt is completely ignored. Any questions I ask are ignored too. The fact that I have been ill and essentially quarantined and in solitary confinement for 10 days has not helped my state of mind. To summarise, he is acting like a cruel and insensitive cunt again. And I just can't cope with it.

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