Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Don of Iniquity

Rochester, as you may recall, has just come out of the closet. After 9 months he has has courageously outed himself as a double glazing salesman. To be fair to the cad, he is one of the country's top 'windows and doors' men. He earns at least 4x my salary and is always winning awards and prizes, such as cases of champagne and 5 star holidays.

But, Rochester, dour, sardonic malcontent that he is, feels unease about his slightly naff career choice. It does nothing to enhance his reputation as a tortured, brooding poet. Rochester has come up with an ingenious coping strategy to alleviate the troubling dichotomy between his personal and professional lives: he has invented an 'alter ego' named Don.

'Don made £6000 worth of sales this morning.'

'I am standing outside a customer's door with Don. His bullshit sickens me.'

'Don has just ordered a steak and kidney pudding at the bar. He can be very difficult company at times.'

So, if I tease Rochester about his flash cufflinks, then he simply claims they were 'Don's choice'. The ostentatious BMW fanny wagon? It's 'Don's baby.'

Last night I was tempted to ask Rochester who I slept with last week: was it Don, or was it Rochester? Or was it both?

'Christ, I don't think I like the thought of going twos up with Don petal.'

Gentle reader, I am not sure what 'twos up' means, I am assuming it is a double glazing term. After careful consideration I have decided the man I slept with last week was indeed Rochester. Although, the event in question did occur in Don's plush hotel room, after dining in Don's sumptuous choice of restaurant. Despite harnessing the power of Don's credit card, Rochester was still very much the old, Matthau-esque dry and ramshackle rogue. Thank Christ.

I have to say, I am quite enjoying the fantasy of next time reversing the situation. Next time I would sleep with Don, but do so in a more down-at-heel, tatty Rochester venue: a Lakeland cow shed or pig sty maybe. There would be a crocheted blanket and a flask of Yorkshire tea. Dinner would be chips, curry sauce and Minstrels (of the chocolate, not Black and White variety). However, I am slightly worried about what UPVC accouterments Don will want to bring into the bedroom. The thought does indeed make me shudder.

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