Saturday, 26 April 2014
Miss U: (reassuringly) I am quite sure it is nothing to be embarrassed about. It must happen to men of the male gender all the time, tank top or no tank top.
Rochester: Aye, but it doesn't happen to me. Not usually. Not EVER.
Miss U: It was the unusual situation. I mean, you were put off your stroke. Neither of us were expecting to be in this position. I didn't mind, really.
Rochester: I blame you for this actually. I blame you. I am not sure it is fair to expect me to perform under such fraught conditions. I fancy having another crack at it, like. What do you think? Can we go back, let the dog see the rabbit?
Miss U: No. Let it go. Maybe you should just relax, Rochester. You are on your holidays, after all. Have another gin and we'll talk about something else.
Rochester: (head in hands) I can't get it out of my mind though. Maybe I was nervous. I'd skipped lunch; my blood sugar was low. I've just had a packet of pork scratchings all day.
Miss U: Maybe you should have worn the cufflinks.
Rochester: (furiously, banging the table) You were the one who told me cufflinks were not necessary, that they might be a hindrance!
Miss U: (briskly) Don't get your dander up, Rochester. . . You know, if anything I would have thought the faint lesbian ambiance would have had you firing on all cylinders. Did it put you off, me there watching?
Rochester: Nope. (brightening) I quite liked that! Or I thought I did. (shaking his head) Fucking hell! FUCKING HELL!
Miss U: Oh dear. I don't quite know what to say. Performance issues probably trouble us all in our riper years. These days, I can't make it through an episode of Midsumer Murders without nodding off. I even have to take several restorative 'sit downs' when whipping cream for brandy snaps.
Rochester: Fuck: has it come to this? It makes me think of death. This is the beginning of the end, Underscore. Sat here, North Sea in front of us. Dusk falling. The desolation of it is overwhelming. Failure. Impotence. Indignity. Death.
Miss U: (sniggering) For the love of God, PERSPECTVE Rochester! There is no need to rhapsodise so mournfully, like some gone-to-seed Byronic brute. You failed to sell a plastic door to a lesbian. That is all. Noir turned you down. And, I can't say I am surprised, really. Your sales patter was very . . . lacklustre. I was expecting more. . . unctuousness. You sprawled on her sofa, rolled a fag, thrust a tatty catalogue at the lass and quoted £1500 without even getting your tape measure out. Oh - and then, when you sensed it had all gone tits up, you asked her to describe her first lesbian experience. Has that approach really won you South West Salesman of the Year three years running?
Rochester: To be fair, she didn't get the full treatment flower. I didn't unleash 'Don'. Not with you there too. That would have been a bit seedy. I can't pretend I'm not gutted though. I quite liked Noir mind. It was good to finally meet her. I think she found me quite charismatic, like. She was warming to me, I could tell. She is 100% lezza though. 100 cunting percent. (frowning as he rolls a cigarette) I don't say this lightly, but I doubt even I could cure her.
Miss U: I thought you said lesbians didn't exist. They were mythical creatures: like unicorns and elves.
Rochester: (sighing and putting down his gin) It's very technical and scientific. There is a continuum. At one end there's the likes of you (he waves an imperious paw in Miss Underscore's direction) : brogues from the Virginia Woolf collection at Clarks, tortoiseshell reading glasses, National Trust membership card. . .
Miss U: But I am not a lesbian. . . and they're Helena Bonham Carter collection brogues actually.
Rochester: . . .at the other end is Noir: a fully committed lezza who is immune to my swarthy, bearded charms. (obscurely) I could bore you with the science of it all: chromosomes, pheromones, genes, nature vs nurture, etc etc etc . . . but I'm not in the mood. Not after this afternoon's humiliation. For once, I think we should talk about something other than lesbianism.
Miss U: Well, maybe it's just as well you kept Don in his box. There is nothing more alarming than a virile window vendor on the loose. I may have never looked at you the same way again. Here, this will cheer you up, I have got you a present.
Miss Underscore rummages through her handbag and passes Rochester a paperback.
Rochester: Barbara Pym, Some Tame Gazelle. OK. This is the bird who Larkin liked, yeah?
Miss U: I have two copies of all of her books. I know you haven't read a book since The Road, five years ago. This will be a very different experience, I'll warn you now. Not so much post-apocalyptic nightmare, more post-menopausal nightwear.
Rochester: Hey, I am off to the pubs round the Tyne Dock next. Meeting some blokes for pool and beer. Maybe I should take Babs in there and do a reading.
Miss U: Heavens no! Don't you dare take Miss Pym to the Tyne Dock! She needs a genteel parlour with blowsy geraniums in the windows, fine linen and porcelain tea cups.
Rochester: (squinting, reads the blurb from the back of the book). "Together yet alone, the Misses Bede occupy the central crossroads of parish life. Harriet, plump, elegant and jolly likes nothing better than to make a fuss of new curates, secure in the knowledge that Count Ricardo Bianco will propose to her again this year. Belinda, meanwhile, has harboured sober feelings of devotion towards Archdeacon Hochleave for 30 years." Sober feelings of devotion, eh? Wow. Heady stuff. I WILL read this, Underscore. Don't look at me like that, you doubt me? I will. It will give me an insight into your psyche, if nothing else. Anyway - I am doing it for Larkin. Give me a week. No, two weeks. I will report back.
Miss U: No, what you will do is Wikipedia it and bluff your way through, like you do with all my recommendations. What did you do last night, after we split up?
Rochester: Well, the entire family gathered at me ma's house for a curry. Your ex was there with his new lass, roaring drunk and making a total fuckwit of himself. He kept scrolling through his phone's ringtones, really loud and for some reason he made us all listen to Rolf Harris's Greatest Hits. He thought he was fucking hilarious. He'd brought his dog, this massive Rottweiler that kept knocking everyone over and helping itself to the naan breads. He was a right oaf. I think we both know, that of the two of us, I was always the better option for you. In so many ways, (stroking his beard) not just that I'm so much better looking. You know it's true.
Miss U: Did you tell your brother you'd spent the afternoon with me?
Rochester: Errr. No. He has no idea, after our initial fling, that we ever saw each other again, or kept in touch. It's tricky. I don't plan on mentioning it, to be honest. I don't think it would go down well.
Miss U: And how is your granny?
Rochester: Bedridden. 97. Christ. I hope I don't live that long. You can only communicate with her via a huge writing pad, cos she's deaf. But she's also almost blind, so you've got to put one word on a page and use a Magic Marker.
Miss U: Sounds like that Bob Dylan video.
Rochester: I asked her if she was OK, she'd had a fall the previous week trying to get out of bed,(miming writing the words) ARE YOU OK? She just smiled vacantly and nodded. I asked her again. ARE YOU REALLY OK? She just smiled and nodded again. ARE YOU SURE, GRANNY? I held her hand and suddenly, her eyes just flooded with tears, flooded with tears. Cunting hell, Underscore. Cunting hell. I didn't know what to do.
Miss U: Oh dear.
Rochester: I haven't mentioned it yet, but I'm going home tomorrow.
Miss U: I thought you were here for a whole week of high jinks and villainy. Why are you going so soon? You've just got here!
Rochester: Family stuff. I have to get back. . . I've seen more of you than anyone else this visit, you know. I'm glad you finally agreed to meet up with me. It was daft of you to seep saying no. I mean, I know why you did. But still . . .
They look at each other.
Miss U: (babbling nervously) I'm cooking scallops for tea. With chorizo possibly, if I've got it. Maybe corned beef, if I haven't. Can I substitute corned beef for chorizo, do you think? I got the scallops from M&S. They were diver caught, but I think, given the price, they were actually caught by mermaids. I'd better get going, Rochester. (puts on jacket and scarf and stands up) Then I've got to tidy the kitchen. My new dishwasher is coming tomorrow. I got a Neff one. I've never heard of them before, but surely John Lewis doesn't sell crap. . .
Rochester: (wryly) Alright pet, come on then. Let's go.
Rochester heads out, hands burrowed deep in overcoat pockets. Miss Underscore follows, shaking her head at her own unbridled lunacy.
They travel in an agonising silence in the lift from the seafront bar to the headland. They walk, still in silence to their cars, parked on the cliffs above the North Sea. The wind rages. Rochester opens his boot and casually throws in Some Tame Gazelle in the back.
Rochester: Thanks for that, anyway.
Miss U: Don't chuck Miss Pym in the boot of your car, you lout! Have some respect!
Rochester: She won't be in there long. I'm taking her to the pub next, remember.
Miss U: No, you won't. I know you. She's going to languish next to your spare-tyre for months, years, gently decomposing. You travelling salesmen, you are renowned for the body parts you keep in the boots of your cars. Serial killers, the lot of you. Haven't you see Prime Suspect, Crimewatch? It's always a travelling salesman or man in a white van. Poor Barbara. She deserves better.
Rochester: (taking something from the boot of his car) Hey look at these pet; I've got reading glasses! You like a man in glasses, don't you? You've told me that before. I got them from a bloke in a pub. (he puts them on) What do you think?
Miss U: Dear God! Who was the bloke, Truman Capote? They are rather camp, Rochester. I imagine if George Michael appeared on Newsnight to talk about the decline in the blouson leather jacket industry, he would sport glasses like those.
Rochester: You're a cunt, Underscore. They were free. They give me a certain gravitas when filling out my credit agreements. It's a look.
Miss U: Its a look alright. It's the look of a 1950s gay, Hillman Imp driving district nurse called Jeremy.
Rochester: You really are a total fucking cunt! Aye. I'm going to have to get some proper ones, aren't I? Get an eye test and everything. I need them for the small-print on the window contracts. Middle-age, eh?
Miss U: Middle-ege doesn't bother me, Rochester. There's something quite cosy about it, I think. Being young, there's too much pressure to be happy. Anyway, the thing about middle age is, eventually, we'll all grow out of it.
Rochester: That's fucking profound.
Miss U: Not really. Doris Day said it originally. (shivering) It's cold.
Rochester: Howay pet, give us a hug.
Rochester and Miss Underscore hug gingerly. The hug, with the inevitability of night following day, soon melts into a longer, more languid and sultry kiss. Miss Underscore pulls away, bewildered.
Rochester: Listen, shall I come over later, we can have a drink and spend the night together? What do you think, Miss Underscore?
Miss U: (with a hint of feigned outrage) What? No. No, Rochester. No! We can't.
Flustered, Miss Underscore turns brusquely on her Helena Bonham Carter heels, and scuttles to her car.
Monday, 14 April 2014
Rochester: Well, this is unexpected, flower. I am deeply serious. I did not envisage . . . THIS.
Miss U: Me neither. You know, sleeping with you is like sleeping with a tiger.
Rochester: (proudly) Exactly! Of course it is, (grabbing Miss Underscore and pulling her to him with the fervour of a window salesman at a Tie Rack fire sale) and what woman would NOT want that: would not want tiger sex? You're not telling me anything I haven't heard before, petal!
Miss U: (resting her head on his chest) I was talking about sleeping, not sex; you purr, growl, snore and snort all through the night, like a tiger. An elderly tiger though. A tiger in bifocals. A benevolent, be-cardiganed tiger, residing in a tiger retirement home.
Rochester: (nodding sagely) Aye. Like as I said, what bird would not want that?
Miss U: A tiger in a Parker Knoll high-backed chair. A tiger with battenburg crumbs in his whiskers.
Rochester: Still a tiger though, eh? Still a cunting tiger. Fucking hell, Miss Underscore. Here we are again, eh?
Miss U: I wasn't expecting this either, you know. I mean, look at the state of the house: no hoovering, no tidying, crumbs in the bed from yesterday morning's bacon and egg sandwich.
Rochester: (squirming) Aye these crumbs are a nightmare, like. I always remembered you for your exquisitely laundered 1950s bedlinen. What's going on? (sitting up and looking around). Your approach to interior design has gone decidedly more Bleasedale than Marple. Getting up to go to the bathroom was like playing Russian roulette: non of your lights work, there's stuff everywhere, animals lurking everywhere. It's a bit of a tip, flower. It didn't used to be like this.
Miss U: Don't go there, Rochester. I can't bear it. I know, the house is a ruin. I am a domestic slattern. You know that song, The Circle of Life? Well, Elton John was not referring to interconnectedness of all living creatures united in a perpetual cycle of spiritual renewal. It's about the unrelenting drudgery of keeping a two-bedroom, pre-war semi dust-free and fully stocked in functioning lightbulbs. It is soul destroying. I hate this house. I want to move. And yes, if I had thought for one minute I'd be . . . entertaining, I possibly would have had a run around with the Dyson and lint-rolled my knickers. Jesus, I had given MUCH more thought to my knickers. Christ knows what you were thinking last night. . . I imagine your granny wore similar smalls during her time at the munitions factory.
Rochester: Knickers? Really? I am disappointed - but only cos I can't say I noticed them at all, and now I feel like I've missed out on a treat. Sexually speaking, I think your underwear is the least of your worries. I don't think you know how challenging it is for a man to perform when being scrutinised by a sour-faced lurcher. Hetty was stood, glowering, by the bed all fucking night. Did you not notice? I even felt a cold nose on my arse at one point. Although, thinking about it now, she might have been retrieving a shard of impaled bacon from your breakfast sandwich.
Miss U: Ah, stop grumping. Hetty just doesn't like men of the male gender. She particularly doesn't like you. See, there are some females on this earth who do not go giddy as a kipper over an brutish, Hai-Karated vulgarian in a tank top.
Rochester: Clearly. Put her in a headscarf and pinny and it would be like having your Aunty Margaret in the bedroom with us.
Miss U: She does have a wonderfully snooty and pained fizzog, (gesturing to a nest of threadbare cashmere cardigans, where Hetty now lounges, eyes narrowing furiously at Rochester). Look at her, she's seething with latent disapproval; she's like Margot Leadbetter at a GUM clinic.
Miss U: Hmmm. I agree. (sitting up enthusiastically). And, what's more, today, is QUITE the best day I can remember in the annals of Underscore history. I've waited so very long for this. I can't believe it's finally going to happen.
Rochester: Yup. I hear that. (amorously) Howay flower. Come here. You might want to look away, Hetty.
Miss U: I didn't mean than, rogue. Deflate your beard please. I mean today is the day John Lewis are coming to fit my new dishwasher! Seriously, this is like, epic! I'm going to make some tea and breakfast for us, and then you'll have to go.
Rochester: Cunting hell (squinting at alarm clock) It's only half past six!
Miss U: This is John Lewis, Rochester. JOHN LEWIS. They said they could be here at 7. I can not have workmen from John Lewis thinking I reside in some sort of pebble-dashed flop house. I can't have a bearded, chain-smoking, fanny rat, ambling round the house like a satyr in underpants. What will they think? What if they tell the ladies at the Bobbi Brown or Hobbs counters? They might revoke my loyalty card. Nope. IT CAN NOT AND WILL NOT HAPPEN.
Rochester: I don't think they'll give a fuck, you know. I could be legit. I could be Mr Underscore!
Miss U: (scoffing as she gets dressed into clothes found beneath various snoozing animals) Look at you: marinated up to your oxters in Hai Karate, tank top dangling from the light-fitting, beard like a louche South American freedom fighter, eyebrows like randy ferrets. You're quite obviously not Mr Underscore. He would be a genteel sort - a corduroyed academic perhaps. A DIY loving Quaker, that would be ideal actually, I must do a mismatch search for DIY loving Quakers. Now, where the fuck is my lint-roller? Anyway, I am a MISS Underscore. Sir John Lewis, well, he knows me as a Miss, not a Mrs.
Rochester: Thought a Virago paperback reading, pseudo lesbian like you would be a MS.
Miss U: (applying lipstick) Nope. Miss and PROUD. Like Miss Jean Brodie . . . Miss Dior . . . Miss Marple. . . Miss Pettigrew. . .
Rochester: (retrieving his tank top from the light-fitting and dusting the trailing ribbons of cobwebs from it) Miss Havisham, that's who you are, Miss Cunting Havisham.
It is two days earlier, a Sunday afternoon in a pub overlooking the River Tyne. Miss Undersore and Rochester are, slightly awkwardly, chatting over drinks.
Rochester: I think it's five years, flower. It must be five years since I've seen you. Remember, we stayed in that posh hotel. I gave you steak and chips and swine flu.
Miss U: Oh, I remember. It can't be that long though. How old is Reggie? Last time we met was the day before you found out you were going to be a father for the twenty seventh time.
Rochester: Reggie? Errr . . . Reggie must be four. No five. Three and a half maybe. (frowning) Not sure, to be honest. I tell you what, he's going to be a handful, that one. Here, have a look at him, he's a right little rip. (Rochester passes his phone)
Miss U: Do you not know how old he is?
Rochester: Errr. I do.(defensively) I'm momentarily befuddled by your ocelot coat, that's all. I worry about those bairns being brought up in the South, you know. Señor Boldon (your ex) has already claimed Tommy is gay cause he didn't want to go to a Sunderland match. Plus, I was putting my shoes on the other day and he said, 'Daddy, are they tap shoes. Can I have some?' He doesn't know the fucking difference between segs and tap shoes! Fucking hell! Do I look like twitting Fred Astair?
Miss U: Statistically speaking, Rochester, you have SO MANY children, at least one of them will turn out to be gay. That's just maths, isn't it? Goodness. This is uncanny; Reggie is the image of you. I've never seen eyebrows like that on a toddler before. As a seasoned primary school teacher, I agree: this one is going to run you ragged. You're knocking on a bit now, Rochester, what are you, 45, 46? If you make it to 50 you'll be a desiccated husk of a man, a mere skeleton in a chunky knit . . . you are looking thin now, actually. Really thin.
Rochester: I'm living on Greggs cheese and onion pasties, sausage rolls and coffee. It's life on the road. Kerouac was the same, I believe. Howay though, what do you think about the beard? It's fucking exclusive, isn't it? Although, I'm not sure why it's quite so . . . ginger.
Miss U: Hmmm. It is, isn't it, compared to the rest of you. It is flecked with grey though. That's quite a refined look. I do like it, actually.
Rochester: (stretching out his arms proudly) And the tank top - you must approve of this pet? Duck egg blue! It's not my best one, that one is pea-green. I've mislaid it, unfortunately.
Miss U: I think it's possibly a blessing in disguise that you've lost it, Rochester. What with your orange beard, a pea-green tank top, well . . . you'd look like a packet of Tic Tacs. It's probably under the bed of a Barratt home, discarded whilst you razzle-dazzled some neglige-wearing housewife with your tilt and turn UPVC erection.
Rochester: You know, this has been on my mind. I know you love to portray me as some sort of rampant lothario and all those lezzas and puffs who read your blog think I'm a right fanny-ratting cad - but actually, in the last 10 years, I've only slept with 5 lasses. Five. That's it. So, what have you got to say about that, Underscore?
Miss U: Really? Wow. I'm speechless. Including all the wives? Let me think about my own score. . . err. . . in the last 10 years?
Rochester: Aye. Howay. There's only been once wife, by the way, as you well know.
Miss U: Three.
Rochester: Three? Three men in five years? (nodding) See - we're not actually too dissimilar. At the very least, I'd say we're in the same league.
Miss U: Yes, but two of mine were brothers, so I am not sure you can count them singularly. I think that actually equates to 2.5. One every 4 years. That puts me in the same league as a Sunday school teacher, librarian or IT consultant.
Rochester: (shaking his head and rolling a cigarette) You cunt. You had to mention the brother thing, didn't you. Well, this is very relaxed, isn't it? You in your faux ocelot, me in my tank top. Enjoying the best view in the North. We should've done this sooner, flower.
Miss U: Hmmm. You've been busy though. Babies, double glazing, lasses from Manchester . . .
Rochester: Aye, I wondered when you'd bring that up. Howay, take my arm, we'll have a stroll along the river and find another pub. You can tell me more about all this spinster literature you keep twittering on about.
Miss Underscore and Rochester are strolling down a riverside path.
Rochester: Hey, I think I owned a few Virago paperbacks, back in the 80s and 90s. Back in the day when I was doing my masters on lesbianism. Should I read Pym, do you think?
Miss U: No. I don't think she would speak to you. I think you might need drama more from a narrative than a laddered support stocking, a fallen Victoria sponge and skullduggery at the church fete marrow competition. Anyway, you get enough fraught and tousled spinster action from my correspondence. Maybe try Elizabeth Jenkins though, The Tortoise and the Hare; written in the mid 50s. I discovered that recently. It is the most beautifully written book I have ever read. Very languid and achingly melancholy. Speaking of Pym though, Philip Larkin was a massive fan of hers. See, I knew that would perk you up. They corresponded for years. He championed her when her work was deeply unfashionable. He said he would rather re-read an old Pym than read a new Jane Austen. I quite agree.
Rochester: Philip Larkin? Really? You see NOW, . . . NOW you're being quite interesting. I trust his judgement. I bet you were an Elizabeth Smart fan, back in the 80s. Didn't you quote her in your mismatch.com profile? You did didn't you?
Miss U: By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept? Jesus. How did you know that? I LOVED that book as a student. It has formed the tragic blueprint for every relationship I've ever had. I did not quote it though on mismatch though. Have I mentioned it before?
Rochester: Nope. I just knew that about you. I pick up on the signals, flower. You're the type.
Miss U: For a crashing, clumsy brute, you can be most unexpected, Rochester.
Rochester: Aye. Hidden depths. I am misunderstood. I've been giving you new mismatch profile some thought. Are you ready? Here's my recommendation, pet: 'Beautiful, stubborn and sensitive mackem crank, whose delights include panackelty, ocelot fur, 1950s fancy dress, lugubrious lurchers, Dorothy Parker and Bette Davies, seeks interesting bloke with decent shoes for steak dinners and endless torment. Feathery strokers need not apply.' How's that?
Miss U: Better than mine, to be fair. I shall consider it. I am not sure I can be arsed with interweb dating again though. (They stand looking out over an oily and green River Tyne). I can hear the goats from the Ouseburn farm. . . listen. And the clank of shopping trolleys on the river bed. It's quite melancholic.
Rochester: Yup. Howay, let's go and get another drink. I could quite fancy a Sunday lunch, you know.
Later that afternoon. Miss Underscore leaves the riverside pub alone. She is speaking on her phone.
Miss U: Mission accomplished. . . Nope. Had a few drinks, that's all. (pause) Nope, just a hug. Perfectly platonic. No risk of unrobing, nothing indecent. Although, I did catch him sniffing my ocelot while he thought I wasn't looking. . . See, nowt to worry about, Noir. He's even offering to do you a quote on a new front door, if you're up for it. I told him you needed one . . . Seriously, he was quite excited at the thought of selling to a woman of Venetian persuasion. He says he can pop round tomorrow with his catalogue and he'll event put his cufflinks on for you and everything. OK. I'm off home now. I AM alone, I swear. I'll email a full match-report later. But, I have won this bet Noir - I have proved it is entirely possible to meet Rochester, have a civilised and convivial conversation and to remain both vertical and fully-clothed!
To be continued. . .
Monday, 21 October 2013
Rochester: All right flower?
Miss U: Dear God Rochester, this is the first time you've called me all year.
Rochester: Aw, howay pet. Don't yack on about it. It IS only October, after all.
It was a call of not exactly unexpected revelations: there was an update on his shady business venture, Kremlin Enterprises, which he ebulliently proclaimed ' A great cunting success! Only 12 referrals to Trading Standards last month! FACT!'
He talked me through his latest tank top purchases, 'Aye, a new green one since I was last in touch, flower.'
And, after an hour of conversation that had the fluidity and effervescence of a cocktail glass of week-old blancmange, came his awkward admission that he'd been 'seeing someone'. Of course he had. After years of marital dithering, anguished longing and 1000 lovelorn blog posts, Rochester finally left the missus, and went off to be with . . . . SOMEONE ELSE!
Says it all really, doesn't it? Christine Cagney wouldn't have put up with such shit. Nor would Elizabeth Taylor, come to think of it. Poor Dick Burton would have been garroted by his distressed oatmeal polo neck if he had so much as looked at another woman. Liz would've known the PERFECT retort to any boozy philandering in the valleys. And it probably would have been this.
Mind you, how satisfying it must be to give the finger to a swarthy, poetry-reciting Welsh drunkard in a mink coat, when said finger is adorned with an emerald cocktail ring the size of The Ritz. I doubt my Elizabeth Duke cubic zirconia would have the same penis-withering impact on the Don Juan of double glazing. I imagine Rochester's response to such a feisty gesture would be, 'Aye petal, that's right. Just the one bag of pork scratchings, ta.'
Initially, I was rather proud of myself, having predicted this exact eventually to Noir on our last afternoon tea jaunt. 'He's seeing a bird from Manchester. I just KNOW IT!' I'd proclaimed over my tea-cup, nodding sagely like a end-of pier psychic as I dusted the scone crumbs from my cleavage.
Miss U: She was from Manchester, wasn't she?
Rochester: Yes. (perplexed) How the fuck did you know that?
Miss U: Oh, you kept texting me how fantastic Manchester was. You sounded smitten. I assumed there was more to it than a love of eccles cakes and misty canals. Nowt gets past me. What happened?
Rochester: It is finished now. She was lovely but it just wasn't right. She wanted kids. Well I think she did (we never discussed it). I've done all that. Many times. Christ, it would have killed me. What's left of me. There was the distance too. We saw each other for 3 or 4 months.
Miss U: That means 6 or 7 months, doesn't it? Maybe even a year.
And then, dearest reader, he started twittering on about it all, and I just couldn't bear to hear it. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. I ended the call, as swiftly as I could. He was free to make a choice. Finally, he was free to make a choice. And he chose someone else. FACT.
Monday, 26 August 2013
As yet, I have done no school work. This is unusual for me. I normally like to devote one day per week in the summer to lesson planning, making resources and organising my classroom. Ordinarily, I'd be quite looking forward to the Autumn term: a fresh start, shiny new pencils and exercise books, new topics to plan, great books and poems to select for literacy lessons. This coming term I am supposed to be doing a Victorian topic. That should be wonderful, I was considering a week of running my class as if it was a Victorian schoolroom (blackboards/ slates/ hymn practices/traditional playground games). Then we'd move on to Victorian inventions and have some sort of Dragons Den project. Of course, my classes are famed for their morbid and gory topics, so we'd investigate Victorian crime and punishment and local archives by studying the life of Durham serial killer Mary Ann Cotton (and reenact her trial and botched hanging). We'd finish off, of course, with a lovely Victorian Christmas and class production of A Christmas Carol. What is not to love about a job with that much creativity?
Something has changed though. To be honest, my stomach is in knots just thinking about returning to work. Every night, for weeks now, I have the same two dreams.
1. The plane crash dream. Self explanatory: I am on a plane, it is coming in to land, but something has gone terribly wrong.
2. The School of Hard Knocks dream: I am back at my old school, happy and at home, when it suddenly occurs to me that I cannot stay. My visit is only temporary and I have to leave to go to my new job. That breaks my heart every time.
My new school is vile. It has become a living nightmare. I left the SOHK feeling confident, competent and that I could tackle anything (the SOHK certainly wasn't the easiest school to work in, as you know but I knew I'd been an excellent teacher and leader there). After one term at my new school I was anxious, run-down and full of self-doubt. By the end of my second term (July) I really thought I was heading for a breakdown. I'd hold back tears just walking to the front door. I am not sure how things have gone quite so wrong.
In a meeting with Head and leadership team. Head turned to me and said, 'Your class's maths results are absolute crap. What are you going to do about them?' I was amazed. My class's maths progress was excellent (1.8 points progress in 8 weeks: target is 1.3 in 12 weeks). I quoted these figures to her (got feeling she wasn't expecting me to know them). She just shrugged and said 'not as good as your English though, are they? Since then she repeatedly makes pointed comments that although my class can read, they can't add up.
A (a teacher) has been receiving threats and insulting notes/letters from a pupil in school. Some have been left at her home address, which is obviously worrying her. Head (who doesn't like A) just laughs about this. Claims A is making them up. 'I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. And that's not very far, fat cow!' 'Has she been crying about it in the toilets again? Pathetic!'
A (the teacher) has referred herself to occupational support for counselling. Counsellor emailed a confidential report through to the Head, who read out sections to management team and laughed about it again. She went on to say we had better 'tread carefully' though, in case A complains of bullying in the workplace.
Big disagreement with head about literacy (again). She has spent nearly £10,000 on i-pads and film making equipment (bought in April, none of it used yet). This was pupil premium money, which should be spent on raising standards and accelerating progress. I had put forward case for promoting reading and writing, with costings, but she refused to spend any money on it. "God. Boring! I hated reading as a child. I am not spending the budget on books!'
Two members of staff have resigned. Unfortunately, they are fantastic teachers and have only let us know at last minute. Head said she would have deliberately given them bad references but they have both found jobs with headteachers who already knew them, so that wouldn't work. I have no doubt she meant every word of it.
Local Authority team in to inspect school. I reminded head that she has not (nor have any of management team) held any pupil progress meetings this year (meetings to check each class is making expected progress and to hold teachers to account for their results). I have repeatedly tried to get these meetings in the diary. Without them, it looks like we are not managing progress. She said she would just lie to authority team about it.
Last week of summer term. Head posted quite aggressively worded message on school intranet, complaining that not all managers had conducted their performance management meetings and that these need to be done, or people will not receive pay rises. This is now my 7th month at school. Head has not done my performance management meeting. I have not had one since starting. Not sure if I am getting pay rise or not. She does not practice what she preaches!
In training about new pay arrangements with other members of staff and head. Head kept asking thinly veiled questions about me to trainer, 'so if we have a new member of the management team and we are not sure of whether she has met her targets, what should we do?' 'this member of the management team started in January. Would her pay rise be in January or September?' Embarassing, to say the least.
Head laughing about making supply teacher cry for the second time this week. 'God, she was all snot and tears!'
It is awful. My only coping mechanism is to hide away in my classroom and try to distance myself from the ghastliness of it all. If I focus on my class, then I can just about get through a day. However, that does mean I get criticised for not fulfilling a 'visible' management role. I can't really win. I feel totally inept.
My main problem is this: my job IS my life. I have been teaching for six years now. I have always loved it. Teachers love to complain about their lot, but I really do think teaching is the best job in the world. I never regretted changing career. Rochester may act like a twat, my house may be falling down around my ears, I may be broke and existing on diet of ASDA Smartprice beans and broken biscuits, but at least I had a job that was creative, absorbing and rewarding. My job was my life-raft. It always kept me going when everything else was shit. Now my job is shit and my life-raft is gone. I can't afford to walk away from it, of course. I am single; with a mortgage and bills/debts to pay and no husband or family to help. I really don't know what to do.
I know the answer, of course, I need to find a new school and a new job. But that's not easy when you feel as much of a failure as I do at the moment. Later this week, I should be meeting up with a couple of colleagues from SOHK (including my lovely ex-teaching assistant Eeeee Hun, who has appeared on this blog before). I am looking forward to seeing them. But I am also embarrassed. My wonderful promotion has been an unmitigated disaster. I have failed.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
"Your blog is canny flower. You CAN write. But there's no narrative arc."
That was Rochester's analysis of my writing talent. The obtuse oaf misses the point; I can not deny that my blog lacks a narrative arc. Truthfully, I don't care two hoots about that. It is the lack of narrative arc in my life that is distressing. I am going through a period of narrative flatlining. As Aunty Margaret would put it, my life is 'as flat as a duck's instep'.
However, this holiday I have started a book. A novel. This is an ambitious project for a woman who thinks she has made a success of her day if she managed to get out of pyjamas for at least two hours. I have a chapter written. A whole chapter! I cannot deny, my tome will be largely autobiographical. The reader (singular) can expect a bittersweet tale of a dreamy, motherless child growing up amongst the bleak colliery terraces, juxtaposed with scenes of the present day. There will be aunties hewn of coal and Max Factor Creme Puff, a musky platoon of philandering fanny rats and the odd noble lurcher or two. Essentially, It's To Kill a Mockingbird, with added corned beef and Arthur Scargill.
What troubles me about the book is its lack of narrative arc. I expect (given that I do lack imagination) that little will happen in it. Now, sometimes I think that is OK. Some of my favourite authors: Barbara Pym, Elizabeth Jenkins, Elizabeth Taylor etc write very quiet, episodic domestic stories but do so with huge amounts of charm and wit and whimsy. They weave in a wisp of melancholy and darkness and write utterly satisfying and beautiful tales. They do lack 'plot' though. Let's face it, the climax of a Pym story could a torrid scene set at a church fete, as Pym's gauche and spinsterish heroine (probably named Dulcie or Mildred) drops a buttered scone into the lap of her beloved (a bespectacled, bumbling curate named Digby), leaving a perpetual stain on both his corduroys and her character.
I think about my favourite book, A Prayer for Owen Meany, with its 600 pages of intricate plotting and a vast, Dicksensian cast of wonderfully rich characters. It is a perfectly plotted novel. It ends brilliantly. All strands of this epic story are woven together beautifully. I love a book that has a satisfying ending. So many don't. Without a narrative arc, a good ending is tricky. The story just can't build up enough momentum.
"Aye flower. I'm on my way. I've told the missus I'll be home by 10 though."
He hangs up. He smirks lasciviously at himself in the rear view mirror, smugly smooths down his eyebrows and begins to spray Hi Karate. JUST AT THAT VERY MOMENT there is the gentle tread of ballet pumps on concrete and the flash of emerald green cashmere passes the car window. The rogue turns to look. A flash of confused recognition darkens his face . Suddenly BOOM! The BMW and the fanny rat are obliterated in a savage explosion. SOMEHOW, a stray lit match had found its way into the BMW, igniting the Hi Karate, which in turn set alight the polyester tie and turned the car into a toxic funeral pyre of molten metal, UPVC and overbearing aftershave.
The book will be called Rat Trap. A Boomtown Rats soundtrack (for the inevitable ITV, Monday night adaptation) and Kristen Scott Thomas as the avenging angel/ serial killer. . .
Maybe not. I think I'll stick with my more benign and prosaic narrative. There will be violence and intrigue though. After all, there was that time when class warrior Uncle George was dreadfully wounded (and scarred for life) during the 1984 miners strike. It was truly horrific. Aunty Mary found out he'd been carrying on with the woman from the pie shop (when he was supposed to be on the picket line). In front of a cheering audience at the colliery soup kitchen, she poured five gallons of boiling hot broth over his head. She was unrepentant.
"Aye, I felt bad about the broth, mind. I did that! What a waste of good food when the bairns were starving."
Friday, 23 August 2013
It was probably just as well that I had the Tyneside to myself for Frances Ha, as I spent most of the film muttering furiously at the bedraggled protagonist. She spent a preposterous amount of time prancing 'charmingly' along the New York streets to a David Bowie soundtrack. She lived in black and white. She wore leggings. Lots of leggings. And Converse sneakers. She dreamt of being a professional dancer. This seemed a highly unlikely ambition as she seemed very gangly and angular. The clumsy sort who can't go through a supermarket without upending an entire display of perfectly arranged Fray Bentos pies. Her dance moves lacked grace and fluidity. She resembled a dispraxic, three legged foal trying to fight its way out of a leotard. Frances couldn't hold down a job. Or a relationship. She lived in a series of shabby, curtainless hipster dens, filled with books, cheese plants and gawky lads in skinny jeans. Yes, she got my dander up. She unleashed my inner Aunty Margaret.
My next Tynside jaunt will be to see the new Kristen Scott Thomas film. It's French. It's a comedy of manners. Now THAT will be a class act. There is a brittle fragility to KST that I love. And trust me, if there are leggings and unbrushed hair, she will carry them off with a genteel insouciance and radiance. Kirsten will not smell of mildewed Converse, marijuana and three day old falafal. No. She will smell of cashmere cardigans, lavender fields and warm brioche. Looking for Hortense is much more my cup of tea. And what a great name for a lurcher! Hortense. I picture a very aloof and equine hound. A graceful saluki type. A canine Patricia Hodge.
There was one section of Frances Ha that resonated with me. Frances, disillusioned with her shambolic lifestyle and inability to hold down a relationship or a job, jetted off for an impulsive trip to Paris. Once there, she spent the entire time brooding on a park bench, alone and wretched. That is just the kind of thing I would do. Although, whilst there, I would also take the opportunity to eat my body weight in macarons and steak frites. Frances didn't even have a Petit Filous! This part of the film confirmed a deep-seated belief of mine: you can't hide from yourself; you can't outrun depression. It is tethered to you like a backpack filled with lead. If you're going to be depressed, best be depressed somewhere shabby and mediocre. Don't go somewhere astonishingly beautiful, like Paris or Provence or the Grand Canyon. It will just make you feel even more futile and insignificant. Trust me: if you are heartbroken, go to Hull. If you are sorrowful, go to Sunderland. Be melancholy in Middlesbrough. Don't go to Peterlee mind. Trust me. NO ONE IS THAT DEPRESSED.
Actually, this gives me an idea for a new business venture: Ennui Excursions: holidays for the dejected and misanthropic. How about a bus tour of Northern sink estates? A camping experience in the grounds of a obsolete nuclear power station? I think I am on to something here. I think has idea has legs.
Introducing the Panty Pimp
Speaking of new business ventures, Rochester has been in touch to tell me about his new enterprise. He sounded as brash and irrepressible as ever. Kremlin Enterprises (his home improvement company) has taken off massively, now bored and rich, the rogue is branching out into the sex trade. Rochester is a pimp (of sorts). His proposed new company is called Panty Parlour. I am not sure I even want to explain WHAT exactly Panty Parlour's product is. It is terribly grubby. Actually, that is the product: grubby knickers. I am hoping that the whole thing is a wind-up. However, the fact that he attached a draft website design for Panty Parlour makes me fear it is not. He even offered me employment, 'Although I think I am going to target Polish lasses as knicker providers.' Maybe he doesn't think there is much of a demand for size 14 primary school teacher control pants. Could be a profitable niche market.
It's all very dispiriting. Why couldn't Rochester have a more dignified mid-life crisis? Paul Newman (in between working bare-chested on a sun dappled ranch and making waffles for Joanne Woodward) set up a charitable foundation making salad dressing. Richard Madeley established the Menopausal Musers book club and designed a range of tan orthopedic loafers for Clarks. Nick Cave grew a moustache and relocated to the seaside to play crazy golf with the Bad Seeds and run a bucket and spade shop.
"This is a joke, Rochester? Isn't it? Please tell me this is a joke! If it isn't, doesn't this make you a predatory, amoral, middle-aged creep?"
He ignored that one too.
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Everything is a bit muddled at the moment. 2013 is proving to be an utter cunt of a year. Would you mind if I whinge a bit? Howay, Liz Jones gets paid thousands per column to whine about recalcitrant imaginary rock star boyfriends and bearded collies with dermatitis, you're getting this stuff for free. Indulge me. Please.
1. I HATE my job. Loathe it. I have to accept that leaving School of Hard Knocks was possibly the worst decision I have made in recent years. Yes, even worse than my short-lived dalliance with Margot Leadbetter palazzo pants in 2012. For the first time since moving into teaching, I dread getting up in the morning. The atmosphere in the school is toxic. The Head is a bully and utterly untrustworthy. My confidence in my own ability has been totally eroded. I must find a new job next term, but generally feel so inept and depressed that I doubt I'd manage to persuade any school to take me on.
2. The Local Authority I worked for at SOHK have realised they have overpaid me for quite some time, and apparently I owe them several thousand pounds. Sigh. This has come as quite a shock. I could do without this sort of problem. For heaven's sake, I am in my early 40s. Why do I still have money worries? Shouldn't I be buying a holiday home in the South of France by now, rather than struggling with a mortgage on a crumbling Sunderland semi? (My house and garden are now so poorly maintained that they resemble those pictures of Chernobyl 25 year on). I have offered to pay back the amount owed monthly, leaving me approximately £2.50 per month in disposable income.
3. I have felt, for most of 2013, permanently under-the-weather. I am plagued with viruses, colds, sore throats, aches, dizziness and upset stomachs. I suppose it's all stress-related and work related. Despite this, I have never missed a day of school. I wouldn't dare.
4. Rochester is not speaking to me. He has sulked since I posted the videos of him on my blog in May. Did you see them? They were only available for a few hours. I was mad at the time. My dander was up when the oaf forgot my birthday for the third year in a row. I didn't think he'd even have noticed the films, as my blog has never interested him in the slightest. I was wrong. He saw them.
"You crossed a line. You know you did. I am pissed off with you.'
He gruffly retorted, 6 weeks later. And that is pretty much all I have heard from him in the last 4 months.
I sent him a birthday present in June. He was turning 45. I felt he was at a crossroads in his life. He could amble casually into a dignified and distinguished middle-age (Tony Benn, Cary Grant, John Le Mesurier) or strut like an arthritic peacock into an mid-life orgy of cocaine, twenty year old flibbertigibbet girlfriends and pouffy leather blouson jackets. Rochester's gifts were designed to nudge him gently in the right direction. They included:
A Harris tweed tie: (from here) Rochester, since entering the tawdry world of double glazing sales, has sported an irrepressibly brash range of silken, pastel-hued monstrosities. He's become some sort of South Shields Donald Trump. I felt the need to stage a tie intervention.
A pipe and tobacco: For moments of sober, fireside contemplation. Pipe-smoking is a dying art. That saddens me.
Chocolate Gingers: Is it just me, or are chocolate gingers the ONLY choice for men of a certain age? I cannot remember my dad, uncles, male headteachers ever been given any other sort of confectionery. Let us face it: any other chocolate choice is too frivolous and fey for a real Northern man. What red-blooded man of the male gender would welcome a box of Dairy Milk? It would be an insult. It would be castration by confectionary.
Nick Cave: The Assassination of Jesse James soundtrack: Those of you unfortunate enough to see the Rochester films will have noticed that the rogue (who I painted as a dour and surly misanthrope) has taken to listening (and dancing) to soft jazz. This can not be allowed to continue. IT. CAN. NOT.
The whole gift was lovingly wrapped in home-made Tony Benn wrapping paper. Gentlemen, wouldn't you LOVE to receive such a gift?
Rochester did indeed send me a new film on his birthday. Sadly, it was not of him smoking the pipe (he claims never to have received the gift I sent). It was a film taken of him zip-wiring over a quarry in Wales. Dear God. Interestingly, the film appeared to be narrated by an unknown female voice. I expect that is why it was sent. Still, my dear reader, if Rochester chooses to spend his time with a giddy lass who buys him zip-wiring birthday experiences, rather than worldly woman who sends him chocolate gingers and Harris tweed ties, that is his choice and his business.
I shall sign off here. I am re-reading my favourite book, in an attempt to raise my spirits. It is a joy. An absolute joy.
Swarthy Irish Nemesis: You think you're the whirlwind. . . I'm the whirlwind!
Luther: You're not the whirlwind. I. AM. THE. WHIRLWIND!
I do enjoy Luther. Have you seen it? The dialogue (not spoken, but growled) is sodden with sweaty, swarthy testosterone and peppered with cliches as clunking and inelegant as a smack in the face with a granite filled rugby sock. The script IS ghastly. However, the program still manages to scare the shit out of me every week.
Attempts have been made to soften Luther's tortured grizzly edges: he has a penchant for the sort of tweed jacket rarely seen outside of the Waterloo Road Geography department and he pootles round the mean, litter strewn streets of London in a Volvo that is possibly the vehicular reincarnation of Michael Foot. He keeps a picture of a dead lover (or wife maybe) in his flat, seemingly with the sole purpose of looking mournfully at it whenever the empathy klaxon goes off (which is approximately every 18 minutes). The pain, loss and bewilderment in the angst-ridden detective's eyes at these moments have rarely been captured so movingly. Well, not since Greyfriars Bobby lay down with his head on his paws on his master's grave. Luther is a man who would appreciate a chocolate ginger. I just know it.
Saturday, 11 May 2013
"I have bought 'The Tweed'. IT WORKS pet. This chubby lass draped herself round me last night, like a musky fox fur."
Rochester has upgraded his Old Spice for some of JFK's favourite aftershave: Green Irish Tweed (on my recommendation). It had been a golden week for Kremlin Enterprises. He could, therefore, afford such wanton decadence.
"I am ON FIRE. My tank top must be made of Kryptonite, or sommat. £65 thousand pounds of sales this week, flower."
The dapper, Brylcreemed salesman appears to be back in the saddle after a barren few months.
"Check out the testimonials on our website, petal. We are going places!"
The Kremlin Enterprises' website: We WILL improve your home: FACT, always makes me laugh. It is ghastly.
"GOSH. I can now sleep safeter in my bed, all tanks to Kremlin Enterprises" Mr and Mrs Smith, Bristol.
"Kremlin Enterprises' salesman was profffesional and polite. Great tank top too!" Mr Singh, Bath.
"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Kremlin Enterprises! I will not hesitate to reccommend your fabulos company to everyone I know." Mrs Brown, Bristol.
"You made these up, Rochester!"
"Nope. They are 100% genuine customer comments."
"Well, you might want to check the spelling. Your customers are illiterate."
"Aye. That's the beauty of it. How do you think we get them to sign the contract, like? I've bought a new shirt too, as well as 'The Tweed'. I'm going to look fucking EXCLUSIVE. Hang on. I'll send you a pic."
Reader. To be truthful, Rochester (at times) has a truly atrocious dress sense. This is a man who recently wore a lurid pink paisley shirt to a funeral. His ties are so gaudy and shiny they could be made from Quality Street wrappers. I was not optimistic I would approve of this shirt. I was right to be concerned.
A white collar on a striped shirt? It reminded me of something a boorish Tory MP or braying city type would wear. Tony Benn (a veritable icon of sober and modest masculine style) would never wear such a flash and spivvy garment.
'Alan B'Stard rang, Rochester. He wants his shirt back.'
Later, Rochester treated me to one of his films. (The rogue occasionally records moments of his day to send me). How I wish I could post the footage here, but I would never be forgiven. THIS was a classic. It showed the fanny rat king speeding down the M4 in his Vauxhall of venality, his Brylcreem reaching Exxon Valdize levels of lubriciousness, sunglasses glinting in the watery Spring sunlight. The natty oaf was dancing, nay, PRANCING to a jaunty jazz soundtrack. He was jutting violently about in his seat, like a camel with Parkinson's disease. Every now and then an arm would unexpectedly flail out, as if the tat salesman was being tasered by the tank-top police. The rogue freestyled several moves of note: stern Miss Jean Brodie finger-wagging at the rear-view mirror, imaginary horn honking and rheumatic shoulder shimmying. Picture Ed Balls, three sheets to the wind on Tio Peppe, at the Labour Party Christmas shindig, and you'll get the picture. (I told Rochester he looked a bit like Ed Balls this week. It didn't go down too well, actually.)
It is my birthday next Saturday, I am hoping for another film. I have requested a Through the Keyhole style documentary about the cad's new bachelor pad. I won't get it. I get the same thing every year. It is the ONLY predicable thing about the rogue: his birthday text at 2.50pm saying, 'Sorry. I forgot.'
School of Hard Knocks vs Mean Girl Academy
Even after 5 months, I still miss SOHK terribly. Pompous Pilate, its lumpen, beetrooty patriarch has been stalking my dreams this week, begging me to return. He WOULD take me back, you know. He has yet to fill my old job. The advert is still there on the Sunderland Council Website. There is also an advert for Deputy Head at the SOHK. Great salary. Awful job. I did consider it, but I'd be stuck in an office all day doing paperwork. I'd never get to encounter a child, let alone teach.
My new school, Mean Girl Academy is an awful, backstabbing and sinister place. We face the start of the next academic year with a shortfall of 3 teachers and 2 teaching assistants due to an incredibly high turnover of staff. (By comparison, at the SOHK, I was the first teacher to leave in 5 years). Two more of our teachers are on long-term sick. A few weeks ago, the Head showed groups of fresh-faced and shiny, newly-qualified teachers round the school, in a bit to attract some new talent. Over 100 turned up. At 5pm, she ushered a group into my classroom.
"This is Year 5. This is my Assistant Head, Miss Underscore. She's got the biggest class in the school. 34 children. All mixed ability. I don't give her a teaching assistant either, do I?"
I smile warmly at the students. Some one should, I think, show a bit of kindness to them.
"You'll see she's turned her classroom into coal mine. I expect that creativity from you mind. I expect A POUND OF FLESH, don't I, Miss Underscore?"
She stares witheringly at the students and slowly, menacingly points a pudgy finger in their direction.
"I have only been here two terms myself. But in that time, 6 members of staff have resigned or retired. That happens when I take over a school. YOU MAY READ INTO THAT WHAT YOU WILL! Now, any questions?"
There were none, of course.
The stunned and silent students were briskly ushered out of my room, their fresh and enthusiastic faces now etched with horror.
I try to keep out of the politics of the place, to be honest. I will, I think, have to put up with it for another year. It is tolerable, as I love teaching, and that makes up 90% of my time. This was a bad move though. A dreadful move. Ironically, I heard this week that Pompous is about to make an ex-colleague Assistant Head at SOHK. Had I stayed, that would have been my job, for sure. As with so many things in life, my timing has been lousy.
Still, my class and I are enjoying a topic on East Durham coalmining at the moment. And I am reading them Born to Run. Here are some examples of my class's pitman painters artwork. We are making a life-sized colliery banner next week. That will be a challenge. I can't sew. Neither can they. We'll then have our own Durham Big Meeting, complete with brass band music, speeches about socialism, marching, banner-waving and ham and pease pudding sandwiches. Michael Gove bleated on a few months ago about the 'defeatism' in East Durham schools (like mine). I feel I should invite him along. He would no doubt be aghast, and usher in his curriculum reforms even sooner. By 2014, such local history projects will be a thing of the past. We'll all be back to teaching the Kings and Queens of England by rote. Pease pudding outlawed. Whippets euthanised. Flat caps binned.
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Keeping up with developments in the swarthy rogue's life can be a dizzying experience. One week it's inter-racial anal tomfoolery; the next shenanigans in the knitwear department.
"From M&S. Grey. Lambswool. It shows my cuff-links off to full effect. Plus, when I am going door-to-door for Kremlin Enterprises, I can get a bit chilly, like. I got some vests too. They show nicely through my shirt. What with my Brylcreem, my vests and my tank top, I think you'd approve, flower."
Reader: I do approve. I do love all things retro. And cosy. It sounds to me like Rochester is adopting a most appropriate approach to ageing. Let me be brutally honest, I always had him pegged as a swaggering knob-jockey who would spend his mid 40s strutting round dimly-lit wine-bars beneath a musky mushroom cloud of overbearing aftershave (probably derived from the anal glands of a rutting ferret). I pictured him draping himself round giggling, lithesome twenty year-olds like a gruff Geordie, mono-browed anaconda, grumbling come-hither lines about UPVC millions and sodomy. Tank-tops signify a much more dignified descent into middle age. Who knows, maybe he'll even give up the roll-ups and cocaine and start smoking a pipe. Or cigars. Dare I even dream of an allotment? Tweed? Tortoiseshell specs? A BEARD??
"Anyway flower, I checked out that Green Irish Tweed stuff that you recommended. Decided it wasn't for me. I know you said it was what JFK wore but decided to go for something a bit more South Shields. A bit more Arthur Scargill. I got Old Spice instead. Saved meeself a couple of hundred quid there."
"I don't think JFK would have seduced Marilyn Monroe with Old Spice, Rochester. Never mind. You are doing well. Your BMW jars with the new image though. PLEASE ditch the fanny-wagon and get a nice 1970s mustard-yellow Volvo. Or a battered old moss-green SAAB."
"One step ahead of you there, flower. Sold the fanny-wagon already."
"Aye. Polish fella bought it. He took it over on the ferry last week. I hope the sniffer dogs at the border don't pay it too much attention mind."
"What have you got now then?"
(Bewildered) "A CORSA?"
Now, even for me, and my love of things quiet, modest and genteel, a CORSA is a shuffling, moccasined step too far towards effete and flaccid curate-dom . Only 56 year old men called Malcolm drive CORSAs. You know the sort: middle managers at the bank who still live with their imperious, gimlet-eyed mothers. Men who are far too familiar with the many varieties of Mr Kipling cakes and the merits of M&S vs Pretty Polly support tights. Not men who are ever likely to take you roughly against your clattering 1930s walnut drinks cabinet to a throbbing Grinderman soundtrack.
"Aye, a CORSA. What of it? Just renting it mind."
"DEAR GOD. Anyway Rochester, I have sent you another film. When you get in tonight, get your slippers on and watch it. The Odd Couple. I am TELLING you, watching Walter Matthau in this film, it will be like looking in the mirror. His crumpled, hangdog face; all jowly and world-weary like a basset-hound who's just been shoved off his favourite fireside armchair. You'll love it. He's got your eyebrows, your sardonic grouchiness, your shambolic lifestyle. Fuck, he's even got your vests and Brycreem. The resemblance is uncanny."
"Aye, I'll watch it flower. I'm not sure I see the Matthau thing mind."
"What address have I sent this to? This address of yours; it's a flat. I didn't think you lived in a flat. Is it Kremlin HQ?"
"So where is it then?"
"It's my flat, petal."
"Aye. MY flat. . . .I've moved out. I've left."
(Confused) "Oh. You never mentioned it. When did this happen?"
"A few months ago. Christmas maybe. A bit before. 6 months . . . .possibly."
Revelations, see? Tank-tops. Vests. Eau de Scargill aftershave. Curate's cars. And six months. Six long months. Six CUNTING months, and the rogue never even mentioned it once.
(By the way, for those who have asked, job is OK, but not great. But, I shall write about that later.)