Grannygate

I bet every morning, over soft boiled eggs and soldiers, Sarah Brown gives Gordon a pre-campaigning pep-talk.

'Now Gordon. Pleeeeeeease, try not to ruin everything by being you.'

I have used that line before, I know. It comes from one of my favourite films, As Good as it Gets. I feel so sorry for GB. I am mortified for him, in fact. I can empathise. His approach to electioneering is very similar to my approach to dating. We both start brimming with optimism and hope . . . but somehow things always seem to go 'tits up.'

The papers all reported that GB had lost his temper after meeting the granny who quizzed him about immigration. They cited this as evidence of that he is, essentially, a hot-headed bully. However, when I listened to his comments, what struck me was how worn-down and depressed he sounded. He sounded like a man with no hope, a man who fears everything is unravelling.

I am worried now about the very real prospect of a Tory government. Thanks to their Public Sector pay freeze I would not get my meagre September pay rise. The amount I am due is less than the value of one of Samantha Cameron's handbags. When I think of the havoc the Tories will wreck in education I could weep.

I feel we need to mount some sort of counter-attack on Clegg-Cam. Something to repulse and repel the Daily Mail readers.

• Could we photoshop a picture of David Cameron microwaving some three-legged kittens?

• Could we 'find' footage of Nick Clegg pissing on Princess Diana's grave?

• Are there any rent boys out there be willing to be 'caught' beating Boris Johnson on the bottom with a rolled up copy of Mien Kampf?

Ideas please?