But, who will be my inaugural fanny rat? That is the question. I considered pint-sized, Take That pixie, Mark Owen. Of course I did. Interestingly, when that diminutive Don Juan was exposed as a love-cheat, he chose the 'Michael Douglas' defense. He claimed addictions were the root-cause of his serial-fanny ratting and he was briskly checked into The Priory. I was less than impressed by his terribly pathetic line about how he had 'not cheated since being married.' Well, when he was exposed as a 'wrong 'un' he had only been married 4 months! Woo, as they say, hooo, a whole 4 months of monogamy!!! Your mum must be so proud, little fella! Could it be tragic? It certainly could.
Anyway, April's 'Fanny Rat of the Month' is sadly an ex-hero of mine, Paul Weller. Weller has recently announced his engagement to a mere slip of a girl less than half his age. Here he complains about the press coverage of his forthcoming happy event.
‘Because she's so much younger than me, the press was all, it's a midlife crisis - "Wrinkly Rocker", "Mutton dressed up as ram" "Old enough to be her Modfather".
He goes on to smugly bleat that he has finally found his soul-mate. What does that say about the women he chose to have children with? Were they not 'soul-mates'? I wonder what his children make of it all. There is something quite depressing about a 51 year old man simpering on about 'soul-mates', especially when his chosen 'soul-mate' is young enough to be his daughter. There is also something tawdry about a 51 year old man who persists in squeezing himself into ultra skinny mod-suits (despite having devoured too many Eton Trifles). What with his blonde, lezza hair and leathery, tan-in-a-can, Weller is looking more like Susie Quatro every day. Weller was such a beautiful and inspiring man. What a disappointment.
And, what of Weller's gym-slip bride? To paraphrase the very wonderful Mrs Merton, what on earth can she see in aging, millionaire fanny-rat Paul Weller?
p.s. Writing this has made me remember something about Rochester. Ever modest and humble he used to object to my labeling him a 'fanny rat'.
'Na petal. That's not right. I'm not a fanny rat. I'm a fanny MAGNET'
Once I told him I had a Science lesson to plan on magnets.
'Fanny magnets petal?' He asked, suddenly interested!!!