Sunday, 25 April 2010

Fanny Rat of the Month

A new feature. Apparently, one is never farther that 3 feet away from a rat. The same, it has to be said, is true of the fanny rat. The latin name from the fanny rat, by the way, is Fannius Ratticus. I do love it when this blog can educate, as well as entertain. Today latin, tomorrow the perfect Victoria Sponge recipe, next week nuclear physics.

But, who will be my inaugural fanny rat? That is the question. I considered pint-sized, Take That pixie, Mark Owen. Of course I did. Interestingly, when that diminutive Don Juan was exposed as a love-cheat, he chose the 'Michael Douglas' defense. He claimed addictions were the root-cause of his serial-fanny ratting and he was briskly checked into The Priory. I was less than impressed by his terribly pathetic line about how he had 'not cheated since being married.' Well, when he was exposed as a 'wrong 'un' he had only been married 4 months! Woo, as they say, hooo, a whole 4 months of monogamy!!! Your mum must be so proud, little fella! Could it be tragic? It certainly could.

Anyway, April's 'Fanny Rat of the Month' is sadly an ex-hero of mine, Paul Weller. Weller has recently announced his engagement to a mere slip of a girl less than half his age. Here he complains about the press coverage of his forthcoming happy event.

‘Because she's so much younger than me, the press was all, it's a midlife crisis - "Wrinkly Rocker", "Mutton dressed up as ram" "Old enough to be her Modfather".

He goes on to smugly bleat that he has finally found his soul-mate. What does that say about the women he chose to have children with? Were they not 'soul-mates'? I wonder what his children make of it all. There is something quite depressing about a 51 year old man simpering on about 'soul-mates', especially when his chosen 'soul-mate' is young enough to be his daughter. There is also something tawdry about a 51 year old man who persists in squeezing himself into ultra skinny mod-suits (despite having devoured too many Eton Trifles). What with his blonde, lezza hair and leathery, tan-in-a-can, Weller is looking more like Susie Quatro every day. Weller was such a beautiful and inspiring man. What a disappointment.

And, what of Weller's gym-slip bride? To paraphrase the very wonderful Mrs Merton, what on earth can she see in aging, millionaire fanny-rat Paul Weller?

p.s. Writing this has made me remember something about Rochester. Ever modest and humble he used to object to my labeling him a 'fanny rat'.

'Na petal. That's not right. I'm not a fanny rat. I'm a fanny MAGNET'

Once I told him I had a Science lesson to plan on magnets.

'Fanny magnets petal?' He asked, suddenly interested!!!

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