Wednesday, 15 April 2009

A few Easter thoughts

I am coming to terms with the fact that my Easter holidays will soon be over. I have enjoyed them immensely. My holidays are often tainted with guilt, I feel I should be doing something worthy and productive: alphabetising my spice rack, visiting museums, painting the kitchen, writing a novel (or at least starting a chapter). I've enjoyed the quiet of this holiday, I have managed to relax without brooding or worrying. I am slightly guilty that I have done no school work yet, but I have set aside Friday for that.

One decision I do need to make is whether to start dating again (sigh). I am conflicted. Part of me thinks I should, I have nothing to lose and it may offer a distraction from thoughts of Rochester. Yet, I am also terrified at the prospect as I have had nothing but painful experiences.

I think relationships are like equations, they have to be perfectly balanced. Each person has to be willing to put their partner first, 100% of the time. If both people do that then there is balance and symmetry. If there is even the slightest imbalance then it becomes a cancer in the relationship.

All the clues were there with Rochester, that we did not have any balance or symmetry. I would summon the courage to say something loving or tender to him. He would either

a. ignore it completely
b. make some sarcastic or flippant comment.

I had one text message from him once, which was very sweet and warm. One message, out of hundreds. I think that probably says it all.

But I still miss him, and think about him every day. So, I would hardly be entering the whole dating scene open-minded or open-hearted. And I guess that is not fair.

I have severed all ties and contacts: I have deleted every text, email he ever sent (which was unspeakably hard). I resist the urge to check his blog of Pam Ayres death poetry. I am falteringly getting better, I think.

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