Sunday, 13 February 2011

Liz Jones Drones

If there is one person on the planet who always gets my dander up it is Daily Mail columnist Liz Jones. She is something of a pantomime villain in my life, I ADORE hating her. I relish how her stupid, self-obsessed columns, completely devoid of wit or irony, always manage to raise my blood pressure. The righteous indignation I feel after reading her nonsense sets me up for the day. She is journalistic Berocca.

My main objections to the daft, crazy-eyed bint are:

1. She pleads poverty constantly. Usually in the same 'pity me' column she mentions how she feeds her colony of feral cats M&S prawns and whines that her £1.5 million country pile is still languishing on the market, thanks to the credit crunch. She constantly, with astonishing crassness and insensitivity, draws parallels between her situation and the lives of regular, low-income and unemployed people around the country.

'Ahhh yes, I understand extreme poverty, why just last week Squeaky the cat had no Creme de la Mer for his nose and the hens had to make do with organic Alpen for their breakfast.'

Liz recently bitchily sniped that she was sick of 'paying for other people's children' via her income tax (which funds schools, child benefit and the like).

'You chose to have them, pay for them yourself!'

Yet, in the very same column she berated her local bank for refusing to increase her overdraft limit so she could buy pet food.

You chose to have them Liz, pay for them yourself!

2. Liz hates other women. I recall how recently she complained that, as a magazine editor, she despised working in a field that was 99% female. Women employees are (according to LJ) self-obsessed, emotional half-wits who do nothing but 'moan, bitch and complain'. This from a woman who has built a whole journalistic career on moaning, bitching and complaining - indeed Liz writes a column entitled 'Liz Jones Moans'. 'Ah,', I hear you say, 'but Liz Jones Moans is probably a piercingly insightful critique of contemporary culture, a forum for fierce political debate'. Hardly, Liz's recent moans have included;

1. Catherine Zeta Jones' shiny forehead at the Golden Globes.
2. The lack of hair conditioner in hotel bedrooms.
3. Julianne Moore, who recently admitted she liked to wear her yoga clothes all day, which is apparently letting 50+ year old women everywhere down, with her slattern-like sloppiness. (Go Julianne, is what I say, I love a day spent in my velour 'Mavis Riley' lounge pants)

The guppy-brained, inanity of Liz's fashion columns always amuses. In recent weeks she has feverishly announced women's emancipation from the cruel 'stiletto' law. You know, the law that compelled us all to wear 8 inch heels. Were you not aware of such a law? Funny that. Neither was I.

'At last, after torturing ourselves in cartoon heels, flats are back'

Apparently, thanks to some cove called Karl Largerfeld, women's 'decades of torture' are over. He has decreed we are allowed to wear ballet-pumps. God bless you Karl. You have freed us from our bunion bondage, our sprained ankle suffrage. You, and Ms Jones, are truly modern day Pankhursts.

So ladies, thanks to nutjob Liz's fearless reporting from the front line of Paris Fashion Week (I wonder if she wore a khaki flak jacket, like Kate Adie in Beirut) we can celebrate the life-changing news that flatties are now legal. I don't know about you, but I am feeling a little emotional. To think, that such a change could come in my life-time. ***weeps***

You know, it is not often that the North East is at the cutting edge of fashion (tragically, shell suits are still big here). It is an even rarer occasion when a meek and lowly primary school teacher is ahead of the trends, but Liz, some of us have been wearing ballet pumps for years (they are £9 in Tesco)! I don't imagine many teachers, nurses, doctors, social workers etc etc have ever spent a day in 8 inch heels.

After reading Liz's bonkers 'flattie-gate' column I pondered what revolutionary proclamations she would be making in her next fashion piece. Something along the lines of,

'Gentleman, I am thrilled to announce a bold new fashion trend for Spring/Summer '11. Cast aside those terribly uncomfortable doublet and hose. Behold these new-fangled, life-altering garments called TROUSERS.'

This week's fashion column was equally as daft. Liz was giving us all an education in how to wear the 1970s look.

'Avoid turbans, anything gold, jumpsuits and hotpants.'

Phew. Just as well I read that Liz. I could have made a right tit of myself at the SOHK parent's evening in my Sikh go-go dancer outfit. Liz, yet again, you have saved the day!

I even had a mini-attempt at being Liz Jones myself, on Twitter. Here are my fashion tips for February ladies,

'Avoid badger skin leggings, platform boots and trench-coats made of kippers.'

You know, I think I could be good at this!


  1. Bugger. I have been building my Spring/Summer '11 look around turbans and badger skin leggings, and you and Ms Jones have gone and RUINED it! Back to the drawing board then...

  2. 1. Julianne Moore is fabulous. NO ONE is allowed to criticize her, least of all inane writing-for-the-lowest-common-denominator columnists.

    2. I'm not familiar with Liz Jones, but she sounds awful.

    3. Why do authors who write the sort of stuff that anyone could come up with get columns in major newspapers? I've noticed this phenomenon with bloggers too. The more inane and fatuous the blog, the more attention it gets.

  3. Claire: Listen, you should be eternally grateful. Imagine the taunting you would have endured in ASDA if you had forged ahead with the badger skin leggings. You may get away with them in Autumn though, especially if worn with a cap made of tissue paper, worn at a jaunty angle.

    Patience - I agree ENTIRELY about Julianne Moore. She is a creature of such exquisite talent, grace and beauty that she puts the rest of us to shame. I love her. She can wear her yoga clothes from here to eternity as far as I am concerned.

    I don't know how Liz Jones got a column in a national newspaper, least of all one that had allowed her to buy a 1.5 million pound country pile. It is truly exasperating.

  4. I feel exactly the same way. Properly loath her. How is she still paid for this crap by The Daily Mail? There must be hundreds of female journalists who are better.

    Did you ever read this?

    If you ask me, she's a fruit loop. Sorry for he rant :)

  5. Oooh, rant about Liz all you like. I positively encourage it!

    Can't believe the last line of that article about her eating normally for 3 weeks.

    'I'd rather be thin than happy or healthy.'

    Says it all really!

  6. She is an awful woman. I've only read a few of her articles (try to stay away from the daily mail as much as possible!) but any time I have had the missfortune to read one I wonder how she ever got to be a journalist!

    Your writing is very funny and I agree wholheartedly!

    Christina x

  7. Thanks for the comment Christina,

    I too try to stay away from the Daily Mail and its crazy, hated-filled politics. The odd thing is, even Daily Mail readers seem to loathe Liz Jones. Every time I read an article of hers online it seems to have hundreds of scathing, furious comments.

    Sunday's piece was incredible. She complained that she received news of her brother's death whilst on holiday. The rest of the column was a self-obsessed whine about how, every time she enjoys herself, something bad always happens. Truly.

  8. This article is fantastic and really sums up exactly what Liz lacks: Wit, a sense of humour, irony and the ability to take the piss out of herself! Liz is a mediocre journalist at best, with a miserable writing style. A condescending attitude combined with awful fashion sense, should not equate to a daily readership of millions under the misguided notion that she is a 'fashionesta'!! Thank you Parma Violet!!!

  9. Thank you for the comment Erin. I am becoming obsessed with Liz Jones, I think. It is not a positive thing. She makes me positively fizz with fury. And, the worst thing EVER, she has apparently been shortlisted for Columnist of the Year in the 2011 Press Awards! I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.