Dr Faustus

Two days after the election and things are no clearer. I was, of course, impishly delighted that Nick Clegg's party did so badly. I don't trust the chinless cove. He is an atheist, you know. I don't like that. I think it is a good thing, a humbling thing, for a politician to believe he or she is answerable to a higher power. I know my belief does not really stand up to much scrutiny. After all, Bush was a god-botherer, yet that didn't stop him sanctioning torture, approving the death penalty and invading Iraq. But it still troubles me that the only 'higher power' Clegg is answerable to is his wife.

McF just emailed about the crackpot team of Lib Dem troubleshooters sent in to kick off talks with the Tories:

'did you see their negotiating team? Slightly dishevelled; ill-fitting suits; sensible shoes and ties with dodgy knots. Lentil casserole anyone?'

Ha! I didn't see that. But I can picture the scene: a gaggle of stuttering, rumpled Adrian Moles, about as intimidating as a confederation of librarians. They needed to go in with style, swagger and menace, Reservoir Dogs, NOT Reservoir Squirrels.

I do find the idea of the Lib Dems leaping into bed with the Tories extremely distasteful. I think Clegg will sell his sorry, sanctimonious soul for a bit of power, he will sell his party down the river. How can a so-called 'Liberal' party even think of such a union? True Liberals should be up in arms about such a sell-out. They should start a revolution. Of course, a Lib Dem revolution is a flaccid and bloodless affair. It simply entails a few sternly written letters to the Guardian. But, when really roused, they may emphasize the letters' important points in bold type! (gasp). Those fearless, crazy mavericks!

I don't know why Clegg seems so anti-Gordon Brown and anti-Labour. I think he is just drawn to what he knows - Cameron could be his brother, they are both elitist, public school boys at heart who don't have a fucking clue about how hard life is for most people. Oh, for a normal, working class-hero PM. A man with carpet in the bathroom, corned beef in the fridge and a whippet in front of the fire.

I am beginning to find it all a bit tedious. Why can't they settle this like men? One-on-one combat, stripped to the waist, wresting each other in a dusty, sun-dappled barn somewhere.

My predictions:

• Cameron in Downing Street by Tuesday
• A tenuous and unworkable Tory-Lib alliance (one that will be deeply unpopular with both parties' core supporters and therefore will be hugely destructive)
• David Milliband will beat-off Ed Balls to become new Labour leader. Yes. That sounds rude (snigger)
• A new election, probably by the end of this year.